Birthday Shopping
by Norvegica
Summary: Quatre's birthday is coming up and Duo and Wufei have to do some emergency shopping. Together. Will Wufei break his wallet or break Duo's skull? One-shot


Duo hummed as he flipped another paper wad into the trash can. He came upon another stack of papers.  
"These are supposed to be stored for two more years, right?"  
Wufei looked up from where he was cleaning out his own workspace.  
"Those? Yes."  
"Then where do they expect me to put them?"  
Wufei shrugged as he walked out with a full trash can to empty. Duo flipped through the papers.  
"Like I ever needed to keep track of my expenses anyway..."  
"Tax audits, maybe," said Sally.  
"Oh. Yeah. Never had to bother with that sort of stuff."  
Duo came upon old mission reports he had made for the Preventers.  
"Ooh. Got to keep these... Man, am I good or what?"  
He chuckled as he scanned over the many missions that he had successfully completed since joining the Preventers. He moved them aside, and continued. At this point, he had disposed of the official Preventer papers that were disposable. Wufei returned. As he replaced the trash can, he idly glanced at the calendar.  
"Duo."  
"What?"  
"Did you know that Quatre's birthday is the day after tomorrow?"  
"Really? I clean forgot!"  
Duo hopped up, dust flying, and made his way to the calendar. On it, in Duo's hasty scrawl, was 'Q-man's b-day!' in large red letters.   
Sally laughed.   
"I take it that you remembered?"  
"I've got my present for him already. Looks like you two will be going shopping."  
  
Wufei felt an impending sense of doom. Just ahead was the shopping mall. Beside him in the passenger seat of his car was Duo. They had decided to go birthday shopping together for Quatre.   
"What can you possibly give someone as rich as Quatre?" he muttered.  
"Something from the heart."  
Wufei sighed.  
"This'll be fun! Anyway, I got some questions to ask ya, to make sure we understand each other."  
Wufei glanced at Duo. He was serious.  
"Okay."  
"Are you a browser or a swooper?"  
Wufei's mind came up blank.  
"What?"  
"You know! A browser or a swooper."  
"I have no idea what you are talking about."  
"A browser's somebody who takes time shopping. Someone who goes through the whole store, not really looking for anything in particular, like me. Swoopers are people like Heero, who shop from a list. They go in, buy only what they need, and get out, fast."  
"I don't know."  
"Come on. You have to go shopping sometime."  
"For food."  
Duo shook his head in disbelief.   
"I'm stuck with a shopping newbie!"  
  
From that point on, Duo took on a business minded persona that Wufei found eerily similar to Heero. After parking, Duo practically marched into the mall. He forced Wufei to sit on a bench.  
"Okay. Shopping is not just a necessity. It is a mode of life. It is a behavior. And I intend to show you the ropes."  
"We're in public, are you aware of that?"  
"Forget them. You make scenes in public aplenty, so don't you talk to me about that. Now. You do go shopping, so I just have to figure out your style, and we'll go from there."  
Wufei stubbornly refused to budge from the bench.  
"I refuse to make a fool of myself with you around."  
"There are rules you must know," Duo continued. He began ticking them off with his fingers.  
"One. Never shop with someone not of the same budget as you. Two. Always allow enough time to go shopping. Three. Sales are your best friends."  
"Any more?"  
"Yeah, but I forget."  
Wufei snorted.  
"I don't usually have to spell them out, you know. And some rules only apply to girls."  
"Like what?"  
"When clothes shopping, shop with a friend of the same size."  
"Why?"  
"Doesn't apply to us, you don't need the reason. Let's go!"  
  
"Why do you like shopping? I never thought of you as the type."  
"You kidding? There's nothing like buying something with your own money that you want. Especially since I'm used to stealing and not having any money."  
Duo sipped at some soda.  
"I just thought of something."  
"What?"  
"You're probably a swooper. You're so nitpicky."  
"I don't nitpick!"  
"What do you plan on getting Quatre?"  
Wufei shrugged.  
"I don't know. I told you."  
Duo's eye caught a store. Without warning, he turned sharply and walked through the door. Wufei nearly walked into a pillar.  
"Why me?"  
Inside, Duo was chuckling and cackling. Wufei stepped inside. The store sold signs, stickers, T-shirts, anything that could have writing on it. Duo was slowly moving up and down the aisles, reading aloud occasionally.  
"This one's rich! 'Out of estrogen. Have gun' or this one! 'I'm gifted. You're weird.' Wufei, isn't this great?"  
Wufei looked in distaste at a display of novelty mugs.  
"I don't think Quatre's present is in this store."  
"No, but I think I've found Heero's! Which one should I get?"  
Duo held up a sign and a bumper sticker. The bumper sticker said: "Quit honking. I'm reloading." The sign said: "Warning. Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again." Wufei couldn't help but smile at the sentiments of both.  
"I doubt Relena would appreciate either one."  
Duo nodded. Then, his eyes brightened.  
"I know! The sign! He can hang it on their bedroom door!"  
Wufei nearly choked.  
"I take it you agree. This'll be great!"  
  
"He's going to kill you."  
"Nah. He'll love it."  
"Then Zechs's going to kill you."  
"Relena'll be Mrs. Yuy by then. What can her brother do?"  
Wufei tossed his now empty soda can into a trash can.   
"Maybe I ought to just give Quatre a nice pen."  
"A pen? You got to be kidding."  
"What's wrong with a pen?"  
"Pens are for writing. Writing means work. And Quatre hates doing paperwork! Pens!" Duo jabbed the air. "It's his birthday! Let's both give him fun stuff!"  
Duo ducked into a toy store.  
"Duo, what can a soon to be twenty-year-old man like from this store?"  
"I don't know, so we find out. I told you I was a browser!"  
Wufei stood just outside, watching Duo crow over finding a bunch of obscure stuffed animals.  
"Hilde's been wanting these forever! How much?"  
Wufei scanned down the rows of stores.  
"Oooh..."  
  
When Duo was done, he found that Wufei had disappeared.   
"I didn't take that long. Where can he be?"  
Duo trotted from one store to another, hoping to catch just a glimpse of a ponytail. He found Wufei, lost in contemplation. The look on his face was of pure desire.   
"Beautiful..." he murmured.  
"Why don't you marry it?" Duo cracked.  
"Duo!"  
Wufei was in a shop that purveyed weapons. Specifically, blades. He was standing in front of a finely etched sword. Duo surveyed the rest of the shop.  
"You want that one?"  
"Perhaps. Though it would probably not hold an edge."  
"What?"  
"I believe that this was made for show, hence it's beauty. Not for utility, like my own. The metal would not be hard enough to stand sustained combat for long."  
"Ahh... Gotcha."  
Duo smiled.  
"What can we get Quatre from this store?"  
"Nothing. He has his own fencing sword..."  
Wufei walked up to a painted steel fan. After frowning at it for a while, he took it down and bought it.   
"Who's it for?"  
"Sally."  
"Oh... Ooooh. Boy, that's just peachy keen, gosh darn swell, isn't it? You are so romantic!" Duo commenced his cackling.  
"Shut up."  
"Flowers? No. Chocolate? No. Stuffed animal? Heero's done it already! What does Sally get? A steel fan!"  
Wufei ignored him.  
"No wait! It's got some flowers painted on it, maybe that's why you bought it! Am I right?"  
"No."  
"Or maybe, it's such a ladylike weapon!"  
"Duo, stop."  
"Or maybe, she needs things that can do more than one thing. She can cool herself and kill people! Ever so much more useful than her Swiss Army knife!"  
"Give it up."  
  
Wufei, in desperation, walked into an arts and crafts store. Quatre was a creative and artistic person. Maybe something could be found here. Duo immediately gave up his egging of Wufei in favor of going up and down the aisles.   
"Googly eyes! I love googly eyes!"  
He held up a packet of clear plastic half bubbles with little black plastic balls that passed for pupils. He shook the packet, and the pupils bounced around.   
"What can you do with those?"  
"Make things."  
Duo found some feathers. Wufei followed as he went from aisle to aisle, selecting supplies. After he bought all that he wanted, he dragged Wufei into a work area. There were some preschoolers making popsicle stick sculptures and an old lady making a quilt. Duo found a worktable unoccupied.   
"I figured out what I'm gonna get Trowa for his birthday."  
"What?"  
"A sock puppet!"  
Duo triumphantly waved a pair of large socks.  
"A sock puppet."  
"Yep. Whenever he needs somebody to talk to. And we know how much he needs company that isn't his sister!"  
He handed the other sock to Wufei.   
"Make one for yourself."  
"I don't intend to be heard talking to myself."  
"It won't be yourself. It will be your sock puppet."  
Wufei shrugged. Duo was already working. After about an hour, Duo held up his completed puppet.  
"Tadaa! Here's my masterpiece!"  
Wufei could not tell if it was a mammal, bird, or fish. Two googly eyes flopped at him, slightly off center. A red felt tongue hung lopsided from the mouth. Two black felt nostrils were fixed on the end. There was a crest of multicolored feathers and some pipe cleaners twisted into curls. Buttons and sequins speckled the creature.  
"I'm hungry. Feed me! Feed me!" Duo squawked.   
He took the puppet off.   
"Let's see yours."  
Wufei found out in the last hour that felt was an enormously versatile medium to work with. Using fabric glue, he had constructed a surprisingly elaborate and cute Chinese dragon. The googly eyes were peeking from a pair of feather eyebrows. Two brown felt antlers sat on the head, and multiple rows of carefully trimmed spikes of green felt formed a mane. Wufei had snipped out scales from red felt and layered them on the sock. The mouth had two little white felt fangs hanging from the upper jaw. Two pipe cleaners formed trailing whiskers.  
"Very nice. You can't be ashamed talking to that."  
"I won't be talking to this."  
  
Quatre, being the public person that he was, had multiple birthday parties. There was one for him from his company employees and another from his diplomatic connections. The favorite was definitely the one that was given by his closest friends. He got the best presents from the Maganacs and his friends from the war, every birthday. They were from people who best knew him.  
Duo waited until Quatre had reached the last present before he and Wufei stood up.  
"Since we both took the last minute to find presents for you, you should open this one last."  
Wufei placed the box in front of Quatre.  
"I don't know. Heero, is it ticking? Should we get the security?"  
"Wufei wouldn't let Duo rig the present this year," Heero lazily replied. He had mellowed out from the champagne.  
Quatre tore through the paper. He opened up the box, to find another box. This box revealed another box. That box revealed another box. This continued for two more boxes. Quatre huffed and mock glared at the unrepentantly grinning Duo. Wufei just gave him a long-suffering look. Finally, the last box revealed Wufei's dragon puppet, a large ball made of rubber bands, a roll of duct tape, a opaque jar labeled "Ashes of Unscrupulous Businessmen". Quatre lined them up. The other guests observed these new gifts with some amusement and curiosity. Duo was smug and Wufei was as composed as ever.  
"I really don't know what to say. Thank you. What are these for?"  
"Work sucks, right?" asked Duo.  
"You should have fun," said Wufei. "The puppet's for ordering people around when you don't want to talk to them yourself."  
"You also need the rubber band ball for chucking, snapping, and fastening, depending on the situation, and everyone always needs a good roll of duct tape," chimed in Duo.  
"And the last is to remind people that you are still, no matter what, a Gundam pilot."   
"Happy Birthday!" 


End file.
